Thursday, May 28
When it comes to the whole dating-relationship-feelings shipwreck, I seem to have wised up in the last month. Part of that is down to the figurative roller-coaster ride I experienced. Amusingly enough, I got off the ride feeling nauseous and unsteady, swearing I'd never ever get on it again. But that roller-coaster is addictive... and as a friend of mine put it, no one asked me to get on in the first place. I suppose it would be better to view it as a watershed moment; understanding & more importantly, accepting that adulthood can be filled with moments like these reduces the whole dramatic tempest to a mill-pond. When I say wised up, I mean that I now know that people are selfish and allow for that to be a huge factor in any potential relationship. As an adult, you make adult choices...
After what seems like an eternity but what has typically been about 6 months, I may just have found a real live saxophone instructor in Bombay. After speaking to him, the thought did cross my mind that I ought to have picked a less expensive instrument to fall in love with. Like the triangle, for instance. The horn itself cost me a packet. Getting it into playing condition wasn't cheap either & now I shall have to part with quite a few doubloons to take lessons. Which, thankfully, I don't worry about so much, because I am at least able to pursue a passion. Not everyone is that lucky. Come to think of it, not everyone even thinks about what they're passionate about. Enough said, methinks.
Song for the moment: I feel a change comin' on - Bob Dylan
Friday, May 15
Monday, May 11
Two years on from starting this blog, writing some good & some bad posts, I wanted this one to stand out; to be pleasant, to be funny, to have some trace of joy rather than angst, to subscribe to hope. I sit here, re-read that line & find that this post will have failed miserably on those counts. And for once, I realize that there is no comfort in routine, in predictable patterns.
A theme done to death is how children want to be adults and once they are, find that it is not as great as they'd imagined. Today I find that it's easier to think of oneself as an adult than be treated like one by others. True, childhood is not the cakewalk Enid Blyton would have us believe, but to understand that it generally is a precursor to the patterns of adulthood is also not something one realizes in time. We live, waiting for & expecting some innocuous, possibly whimsically charming rites of passage to mark our stepping over the threshold. And we continue to wait, all the while having a lurking suspicion that the twists and turns of childhood are present but no longer the same. No longer are the consequences light enough for us to just learn and move along. An old wound, opened often enough, will refuse to heal. And the older we get, the harder it is to recover, regardless of life's lessons and experiences.
Today, at this exact moment, I miss the unthinking loyalty that friends exhibit as children. The fierce, unquestioned support for each other, regardless of whether we are right or wrong. The readiness to take up cudgels (literal or figurative) on behalf of a friend who cannot. As adults, we rationalize. I'm not suggesting here that some readers did not do that as kids... but c'mon. We went with our gut back then... and the gut told us that it takes two to play a game of cricket.
As adults, even with friends, we want to know the other side of the story. Even the Neanderthals among us are dimly aware that another side exists. While we lend a ready ear to a friend's woes, we want to know the reasons behind why X got screwed over by Y, whether Y was in the right, if X even has a case to argue for.
Typing this today, feeling what I am, having lived the last week, I know I have friends. Those who will go out of their way to help me, aware that I would do the same. But I want one who will take up the cudgel for me without thinking. And just like that I know there will not be one.
We are all adults. And in some battles, alone.
Song for the moment: Tequila Sunrise - The Eagles
Update: I do have one friend who will take up the cudgel.
Thursday, May 7
As suggested to me by a bloke in foreign parts, I'm writing about it. Somewhat.
Over the last week, I’ve found out firsthand, the literal, effectively demonstrated (on me, that is) meaning of a lot of phrases I viewed before as hackneyed or exaggerated. And trust me when I say this – one is much better off viewing the words ‘heavy heart’ as hackneyed. Especially if the heart is yours.
I’ve been given a crash course in understanding why ‘timing is everything’ isn’t something to be bandied about casually like say ‘winning is everything’. If winning were everything, then an awful lot of poor sods out there would be nothing. Including yours truly. But timing really is everything. Case in point – The one week… the ONE week where I needed my friends to be around so that I could get inebriated, smashed, sloshed and in case the point is not clear yet, completely drunk, these fine gents have both toddled off on holiday at the same time. I know these people. In their line of work, holidays are far and few so it’s rather a bitch to not even have one of them around to just sit, nod his head wisely, sympathise, empathise, buy a few rounds, etcetera. My wanting to go out on the town with Bacchus has nothing to do with the ‘heavy heart’ business of course.
So anyway, finding the paddock empty, I’ve gone ahead and resolved to stay away from the stuff that cheers & inebriates for the next month and a half.
I know, I know. Because.
Song for the moment: Low man's lyric - Metallica
Wednesday, May 6
L: ... make you feel cool. And hey! I met you... you are not cool.
W: I know. Even when I thought I was, I knew I wasn't.
L: That's because we're uncool. And while women will always be a problem for us, most of the great art in this world is about that very same problem. Good-looking people don't have any spine. Their art never lasts. They get the girls but we're smarter.
W: I can really see that now.
L: Yeah, great art is about conflict and pain and guilt and longing and love disguised as sex, and sex disguised as love...
- Lester Bangs & William Miller in Almost Famous
Yes, we will smirk and dismiss stories & films. But some images, some moments of music, some lines or conversations will reach deep and relentlessly into the dark places and jolt something. If possible, our expressions will remain the same but... watch closely. Eyes will widen for an instant, the bottom lip will be chewed absently and that seating position will no longer be 'that' comfortable. Inevitably, we will search for those in the room that will know exactly what we know in that instant... and Mona Lisa smiles will be exchanged. Because we understand. Because we are helpless.
L: The only true currency in this bankrupt world is what we share with someone else when we're uncool.
Face it... You just smiled.