Dear reader,
Sometimes I manifest the "आ बैल मुझे मार" (goad a bull to attack me) wish-fulfillment thingummy rather too well. Case in point, this past weekend. For work-related reasons, I drove up to Saunapolis, formerly known as Mumbai. Having given up the rental accommodation there in December, I impose myself on relatives (willing or otherwise). If the folks are not keen on hosting me, they're staying schtum. Yet, there was a bit of a Torquemada theme running through the whole stay.
First off, these guys claim they're "used to" not having the fan on. It's mind boggling because in that city, the fan needs to be on ALL THE TIME. If there was a way to safely install and use one in the bathrooms, people would do it. But not these people, clearly. No, this lot are okay with going about their business in an atmosphere stifling enough to impress Agatha Christie. However, I'm not that accommodating a guest so I fully paisa-vasooled the equipment at hand. Perhaps that irked them. There's no other explanation for what happened next.
On Sunday, I felt bad for my aunt slaving away in the kitchen and suggested we order food in. The counter-suggestion was that we head out to lunch. A simpleton, that's what I am. So, we agreed to head out instead and I was getting ready to order a nice, air-conditioned cab. With one of those sinister throat-clearing sounds that will, in all probability, precede the tolling bell of Armageddon, uncle asked if we could take their car since it'd sat in the garage for a bit. What this meant was - Would I drive the car (neither of them drive at all)?
What it actually meant was - Would I volunteer to become the victim of a hate crime?
Here's where I should have taken the bull by the horns and stood my ground about the cab. You see, the rust-bucket on wheels cunningly masquerading as their car is a Nano that should quietly be driven to a landfill and abandoned there. It's old and uncomfortable; the clutch is so consistently stiff it could star in many a blue film; the seats have a dog-in-rain aroma and the steering wheel fights you viciously. The coup de grace is the air conditioning. There isn't any. The owners of the car know that it doesn't work and they're OKAY with it. Maybe it reminds them of home. There's no way that car should be driven anywhere, especially at 1:30pm on a summer afternoon in Mumbai.
Of course I agreed to drive. Reader, you must experience driving from Goregaon to Andheri on S.V Road in the middle of the afternoon in an alleged car with no air conditioning. It's akin to being trapped in a mobile broiler. Once I'd navigated the crap roads, pedestrians nonchalantly crossing without warning, aggressive autowallas and sundry bikers (their fathers collectively own that stretch of tar I assume), and arrived outside the restaurant, we discovered that the MCGM, in its infinite wisdom, has designated the ENTIRE stretch of road, riddled with eateries and shops, a 'No Parking' zone. Wanting to remain vaguely law-abiding I advised the relatives to go ahead and reserve a table at the restaurant and drove around that stretch for 10 minutes trying to find parking before cottoning on to the fact that everyone else operated under the maxim that the law is an ass. They'd parked everywhere with impunity, including the bus stops. So, I found a spot for the Nano under a tree shrivelling in the heat, far away enough to dissuade the most determined pandu. I must have lost a kilo in sweat through all this.
Lunch was okay. These guys believe in sharing dishes which seems sweet until you hear the list of their dietary restrictions. At one point, I considered slitting my wrists with a blunt spoon and waiting for sweet release from this mortal coil. At least the place was cooled to Arctic levels. In any case, they masticated their way through the victuals like dieting hippos on cheat days while all I could face was a light dosa and a juice. Post-lunch, we got into the car, prepared to return to base. It wouldn't start. I began considering the blunt spoon again.
Anyway, you're reading this so it's obvious that the Nano eventually stopped playing the fool and got going. Truthfully, I have no idea how or why and couldn't care less. I asked the folks to consider getting a new car, something cheap and cheerful with working air con and power windows but they seem reluctant to give up the broiler. I for one will not be sticking my head into that noose again, kindness be damned. Between reluctant fan-use and cars from purgatory, my tether has burned away.
Song for the moment: I saw the end - Pallbearer
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