Songs of the not-so innocent

There's someone you like. Maybe a little, maybe a lot. You want to ask this person out. So you plan. Think up witty opening remarks. Predict some comeback statements. Your possible responses to those. Where you can go on a date. What kind of questions to ask so the conversation doesn't hit dead air. How you can stay funny without being crude, sexist, racist or whatever else 'ist'. How you can react if it all tanks like the Titanic. How to control the urge to let out a wild war-whoop and perform a vigorous rumba if, heaven help us, it all seems to be going well. Perhaps how not to faint away in complete shock if the person indicates that it was fun . That there could be another one. Think about if you should drop them to a cab or bid goodbye and walk away. If you should offer a handshake or a hug.    You work at it because being charming doesn't come naturally to you. If flirting is a game of chess you're no Bobby Fischer. In fact, you are pr...

Occasionally, people will peer into the horizon, sigh heavily and say something along the lines of life being easier in their past. It wasn't though it used to make more sense, I'll grant them that. Take for instance, the act of falling ill. When younger and unwell, I wouldn't go to school. If it was a mild ailment, home remedies would save the day and I'd be off to the alleged temple of learning the next day. Occasionally, the situation was more serious and called for a doctor's visit, medicines and a period of convalescence. Rarely was surgery involved. And, always, recovery was the key. As long as I ate properly, stayed in bed (and with books, who'd want to get out of it, pray) and behaved, all was well. Things have changed and how! I doubt what I'm about to describe is particular to advertising but it does seem that my industry takes this cake and masticates rather horridly. Today, I felt under the weather. Enough to actually call in sick . Why...

I've had many years to think this over, so here goes. Nothing sets a guy behind in his social game like studying in an all-boys school. See, it is all very well scoring good marks, avoiding negative reports from teachers, beatings from parents and all that bullshit, but this kind of schooling robs you of one huge piece of education. How to speak to girls. Rather, how to just be normal around them. Nowhere does Darwin's theory hold more true than in the jungle that is an all-boys school. You need special skills to survive. If you're good at sports then you're sorted. Firstly, playing any sport and being any good at it automatically imbibes that real, ferocious competitive spirit and confidence you need later in life to fight off the horde of randy bastards, smile and make eye-contact with a girl you're interested in. Secondly, being a sports-jock gives you a 'reputation', a magical cape of macho, if you will, even as the barest wisp of a mustache is stru...