Monday, May 6

Looking for my life

Punekars of a certain vintage and neighbourhood will share the twinge of sadness I felt when they hear that the venerable albeit shady Abhijeet Video Cassette Library has been replaced by a shop selling paints. For me, it was a milestone moment - of the fact that another Aundh landmark has joined the ever-growing dust heap of my childhood memories. Of a place, a city and an ethos that was very different 21 years ago.

In those far off pre-internet days, Abhijeet was part of the Aundh triumvirate of video cassette shops, alongside Sapphire in Sanewadi and Cosmos in Parihar Chouk. This was a time when cable tv truly was in its infancy. DD National was DD 1, Zee had only one channel and DD Metro was pretty watchable, particularly after 11 pm on Friday nights. Ahem. In this scenario, video cassette libraries were understandably popular. 

Sapphire was probably the best of them when seen through the spectacles of our middle-class values. The guy running the place (Sunny? from Assam) was friendly and knowledgeable. He stocked the latest movies, of which there were more English ones than Hindi, the quality of the tapes were better, they were rewound properly (if you're wondering what I'm talking about, you're too young) and the store itself, with its name in violet lights, seemed more cheerful. Most importantly, parents could trust that the librarian would not hand out 'those kind of movies' to kids below a certain age, on the rare occasions that the elders took day trips to Bombay, or lord help us, an overnight weekend trip! So, of course it would appeal to our sensibilities. It felt better. Though I have a clear memory of the cover of Basic Instinct being on prominent display for years too.

Cosmos in Parihar Chouk was a couple of rungs below on the social ladder. It catered more to the Marathi and Hindi movie aficionado, and those willing to put up with jumps, random fast-forwards, sellotaped repairs on the ribbons, along with blurs and sudden bursts of snow. The Cosmos guy was also more willing to sympathise with raging teenage hormones. Provided you had the stones and the right vocabulary, he'd let you have the movie you actually wanted to see, though you had to be prepared to find the label say 'Vijay weds Sunita', and trust that the bloke wasn't conning you. Or worse, find parts of the wedding ceremony spliced over exactly those times when the other movie's protagonists were about to engage in sexy times.

Abhijeet, by virtue of its location was relegated to the bottom. Based at one end of the Gaon, in a little annexe of a shop, it was pretty open about the kind of movies it stocked. Which, going by the plethora of scantily clad women on the covers, would have invited the instant wrath of the moral police in this day and age. Thankfully, we lived in a more charmingly tolerant, less hypocritical age. Of course, this is not to say that Abhijeet did not have the regular movie fare. He did. Only, the quality was iffy at best. But the tapes cost less to rent than the others, which was a major plus point when you were paise-pinching. And most of us were.

The first to go was Sapphire. Although it seemed to be doing well, the bloke probably had dreams of doing something more with his life, so he sold it off to a clinical, efficient, soulless enterprise called DVD Express. Thanks to this turn of events, Cosmos found itself in more demand, and for a while, the store was more packed. Inevitably, more and more people began to abandon their VCRs for the CD-ROMs that came with the PCs or had enough moolah for a DVD Player (a real luxury, believe me). About 5 years ago, tired, weary and unable to keep up with the march of time, Cosmos downed its shutters, leaving just Abhijeet to fight the good fight.

I never had the courage to ask for colourful videos at any of these places. I cannot remember the last time I went into Abhijeet and asked to rent a movie for Rs. 10. Every time I passed by, I noticed that it was empty, lulled into a timeless, soporific state. Inside Abhijeet, it seemed forever 1996. For selfish reasons, I was always glad to see it there. And then it too was gone.

The last bastion of an older time had sighed and quietly crumbled into the wind.

The word I associate most with the places that have gone away is charm. They had oodles of it. Not all of it was good, but there was certainly something about these places that made them Pune's. Perhaps it was the fact that they were from a more genteel time, and had pitched tent when Aundh was decidedly the boondocks. For those of us who've known the neighbourhood that long, these places inspire fondness and loyalty, intertwined as they are in the narrative fabric of our lives. They will forever be part of the patchwork quilt of our Pune, our Aundh. When Baker's Basket was next to Raj Medicals, G.T Enterprises was the only decent stationery store, Sulzer House was busy with people on business, Khatta Meetha was known for its dubious food, Ekon Kalyan Tennis Academy was full of kids and the "thwack" of the racquet and Anand Park's bhel puri stall was an institution. 

I guess the tape runs out of every spool eventually. But, a rewind button for life wouldn't be that bad, would it?

Song for the moment: Bluebird - Paul McCartney & Wings

Friday, May 3

No one like you

I was born to tell the truth. Maybe that's why she liked me.

She was a remarkable woman - smart, witty, tall and graceful, power oozing out of her every expression and gesture. A genuine beauty. But, like all rich, powerful and beautiful people, she needed constant reassurance. Her intelligence, good looks and status had isolated her and made her lonely. Her husband was constantly traveling; a real wheeler-dealer with a talent for mergers & acquisitions. His job became his life and she was just a trophy wife. She had no real friends. Except me.

In me, she found both reassurance and companionship. We spoke for hours. Rather, she spoke and I listened. I was good at that. All I wanted was to see her happy. She would talk to me about her hopes and fears, her love of children and her sadness when she couldn't have any. She would always end our conversations with the same question. And I would give her the same answer. I waited for the day she would finally realise just how beautiful she was, without needing me to tell her. But it looked like that day would never come. And I became tired of waiting. And, because she seemed blind to my love for her and who she was, I became enraged. So, in my fury, I did the impossible - I lied.

Experts say that the best lies are grounded in a little bit of truth. That the most believable fibs are quick, clean and to the point. They were right. It took only two words for me to hurt and devastate her; for her to lose her sanity, her beauty and become a monster. Two little words I will regret forever.

Snow White.

Song for the moment: Float on - Modest Mouse   
      

Wednesday, April 3

Requiem for the Indifferent

How am I
supposed to work
to play and laugh
knowing what I know
burrowing into my head.

How am I
supposed to wake up with
the stunning, breathtaking shock
of 8 months ago
and
the agonizing emptiness of now.

How am I
supposed to reconcile
with the fact that distance
is not as painful
as proximity.

How am I
supposed to share
the same patch of sky
the same sun and moon
the same air and water
with you.

How am I
supposed to yet be unable to
share a glance or a smile
a greeting or a goodbye
a heartbeat or an hour
a touch or a caress.

How am I
supposed to accept
that there was no hope
when I can feel it
beat relentlessly, eternally.

How am I
supposed to stay stern
when even the very mention of you
forces a smile to rush from my heart
to my eyes.

How am I
supposed to live
knowing you
and knowing you
not knowing me.
 
How am I
supposed to come so close
from so far
and find myself
farther still. 

How am I supposed to survive the next 3 days?

Song for the moment: Sky & Sand - Paul & Fritz Kalkbrenner

Friday, March 29

Proletariat

How easy is it to abuse power?

Being Indian, we see the innocent trampled under the iron heel of what passes for government almost every day. In Mumbai, every minute. Being people with internet connections, and about 20 minutes a day when we're not on Twitter, FB or torrenting a movie, we read about it happening, overtly and covertly, all over the world. Unless we're the unfortunate sods getting fucked by fate and the machinations of the Man, it is only faintly affecting. Like trying to read by the light of a few stars.

Of course, we probably engage in it ourselves; in various subtle or knowing ways, with family, friends and random others. Then it becomes excusable, thanks to various nifty and self-assuring phrases that zoom through our craniums, so again, the effect is diluted.

So, if you know you're powerful, how easy is it to abuse power? 

From what I've seen at le office over the last couple of weeks, not that hard. All it takes is the ability to enjoy being vindictive and to articulate your words and feelings through a series of devastating broadsides. I wasn't the target this time around, but a day may come when I will be, so it was a great validation of my suspicions.

Its disappointing to see. I'm not saying you need to be the milk of human kindness. Lord knows, in this economy, you'll curdle. You can be tough, but fair. You can have compassion, and express that through your behaviour. You can be benevolent. You don't have to let your monstrous ego get in the way. You don't have to crush an ant with a hammer. You can choose...

You choose. To show the extent of your power by making an example of someone so junior that their life and future shouldn't matter to your existence. To harass them with impossible deadlines, ludicrous criticisms, defame their character and do whatever else you can. Its like watching Jupiter becoming insecure because of Mercury. It'd be funny if it weren't so sad. 

Now, the rest of us minions now know how things stand. So, we're not obliged to bleed for the company or have any vestige of pride about working here. But we have long memories and contacts. And you can bet your sweet booties not one of us is recommending this place, even to our enemies.

Abuse your power all you want. Just don't be surprised at the consequences. That just makes it worse.

Song for the moment: Napalm Love - Air

Saturday, March 9

Warning Sign

The fear of being left behind is an instinctive feeling that first appears in childhood; we are in a unfamiliar, crowded place, entranced by the chaos of light and sound around us. It is only gradually that we realise that we don't know anyone we're seeing. Once the seed of that dread takes root, it flowers rapidly, killing off any joy we felt earlier and replacing that with a cold, heaviness in the pit of our stomach, a feeling that suffocates as each second ticks by. Then, out of the panic, we will see our loved one or hear them call. Relief will wash over us and life will go on but we'll never be rid of that all-consuming fear.

When colleagues announce their resignations, having secured better jobs, we'll have mixed feelings. Genuine gladness that their hard work, suffering, tenacity and talent have paid off, is often shaded by the familiar fear; That we're getting left behind. In this case, other feelings will join in. Inadequacy, self-doubt, ennui (apparently pronounced onway), a little bit of self-directed anger, a surge of adrenalin, desperately critical evaluation of the pitiful portfolio, self-recrimination, yada yada yada.

A combination of emotions similar to those shared by those poor sods in the movie 'The Great Escape', who don't, instead watching McQueen, Attenborough, Bronson and the rest mosey out of there.

At the end of the day, they're leaving and we didn't even think about digging a tunnel, never mind come up with creative warning signals.

Moving on.

When you've been single a long time, you do tend to confuse infatuation with genuine feelings of liking someone. It makes you blind to almost everything that is and could be wrong with the person. And speaking from personal experience, no good ever comes of it. It does not evolve into something more healthy; instead, it will burrow into your head, and turn your rational self into a blathering idiot. It is an unfortunate situation, but will only leave you picking up whatever is left of your dignity, pride and heart and attempting to glue them back together. Time heals wounds and all, but even it can't do much if you repeatedly keep stabbing yourself in the same place.

Of course, you only realise it is infatuation in hindsight. But, when you've been single a long time, infatuation is often all you have. Then what?

Song for the moment: Don't panic - Coldplay

Wednesday, February 13

Just between us

*Fiction:

You're the only one I want to call. Because I love you.

In this fucked up, dysfunctional, empty, phone-swamped world, where no one has the decency to pick up their phones anymore, you will pick up. And your "Heyyy" will be genuine. Really genuine. Not the "I don't really want to talk to you, but what the heck, at least I can be polite and pretend" genuine. You really will be glad I called. That 'I' called. And when I do, you will pick up.

That's why I can talk to you.

With the others, it feels like a ruthless, "are we done yet?" act. I can feel their impatience through the line. Their boredom. Their absolute lack of interest or concern. It isn't important that I rarely call. That my actually making the effort to scroll through my contacts to hit their number, a gesture that takes almost no effort in the physical world, but costs oh-so-much to the mind and the soul... that effort is an irritation to the others.

They're not saying it, but they are screaming "I don't want to talk to you. I am busy. Doing nothing. But I am BUSY. So hurry up, spit out what you have to and let's end this."

When I hear your voice, I will relax.

Usually, my body ignores my mind when it commands, cajoles and then begs it to ease up, "for the love of GOD!" But your voice... oh! god, your voice. A melange of kindness, concern, softness and steel. My body cannot resist, because my mind has reached the comfort of home at long last. It is a pause from the relentless edge of night. 

It will be my highest form of meditation.

When I call, I know what I want to tell you. Force of habit. But you will guide me down so many myriad pathways with your questions and observations. Your pauses and silences. Your patience at my blathering... your infinite patience.

When I call you, the reason will become insignificant. Time will become insignificant.

When I make you laugh, my heart will do the impossible. Stop and speed up simultaneously. 

And I could listen to you forever, but you will gently tell me to get back to work.

For an instant, I will be scared that you're bored. For that one heartbeat, I will hate with all the pent up fury of hell, that you said it.

I will never ever let you see the relief I feel when you tell me to call you the next day.

I will never say it, but you will know. That I need to call you like I need to breathe.

When I call you and hear the genuine "Heyyyy", I will begin to live. Even if it just as long as you don't hang up.

Because I love you.

That's why you are the only one I will not call. 

Song for the moment: Star-crossed lovers - Duke Ellington   

Thursday, January 31

Heart-shaped box*

He sat on the floor, with his back to the wall. The drawing room had no furniture apart from a television resting on a bookcase, because he did not require any.

In the breathless stillness, the smoke spire from the slow-burning cigarette resting on the pen stand to his left, sliced upward in a straight line. The glass on his right held two fingers of Glenfiddich.

Drag and sip. Drag and sip. In rhythm.

His brain told him cigarettes were bad for his lungs. His brain told him booze was bad for his liver. His heart stayed silent.

Slowly & steadily, the combination of the scotch and the cigarette was making him weak-kneed.

It was as good a substitute for being in love as any.

Song for the moment: Oh, me - Nirvana

*4 years in Bombay and counting